Adult Joke

Re: Adult Joke

A friend sent these to me......

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'.. She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied,
"And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
 
Re: Adult Joke

.........................................
 
Re: Adult Joke

Bump for this jewel of a thread.
 
Re: Adult Joke

Wrong post..lol
 
Re: Adult Joke

2 long time friends sat drinking at a pub. A couple of beers later;
1 asks the other: "Assumed I got drunk & had sex with your wife while you were away, your wife confesses to you many years later. Can we still be good pals?"

The other just shook his head.

"How about just casual friends then?" The 1st asked again.

Again the other guy stared silently at his almost empty glass shaking his head.

Feeling ashamed that the friendship of many years could be so easily shaken, the 1st guy raised his voice to ask:"That would make us enemies then?"

Again the pal sat there shaking his head saying nothing. Only this time he gulped down his remaining beer in glass.

"What will something like this make us then?" The 1st guy asked, sounding rather flustered now.

After a long pause, his pal got up from his bar stool, pat him on the shoulder whispering into his ear: "That makes us EVEN!"
Before stumbling out toward the pub exit...
They never went drinking together again.
 
Re: Adult Joke

A guy is drinking quietly with his buddies when an older gentleman stumbles over to their table.
"Hey, you," the man slurs, "I screwed your mother last month."
The guys's friends all expect a fight, but he ignores him and keeps drinking his beer. The older man refuses to leave, though, and says, "As a matter of fact, I screwed your mother last week, too."
Still, the younger man does nothing. The older man leans in close and says, "You know what? After I get out of here, I'm going to screw your mother tonight!"
Finally, the guy stands up and yells, "Go home already, Dad; you're drunk again!"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Re: Adult Joke

Santa and Banta get drunk & visit a brothel.
The Madame takes one look at them & tells her manager : Go & put inflatable dolls in the bed rooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.
On the walk home, Santa says : I think my girl was dead. She never made a sound or moved.
Banta says : Mine was worse. I think she was a witch !
Santa :Why do you say so?
Banta : Well I gave a little love bite on her bum.
She farted in my face and flew out of the window!!=)) =))
 
Re: Adult Joke

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"
 
Re: Adult Joke

Here is 2 for the weekend.

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
A: If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.
 
Re: Adult Joke

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says, "Hello".

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
 
Re: Adult Joke

Okie dokie... since no one restarted this thread for 2014, I shall start with one.


One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned how to get a baby.

The mother was amused and said, “Oh really sweetie, why don’t you tell me all about it?”

The little girl then explained, “Well, the mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, and the daddy’s wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy’s wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy’s wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy’s mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that’s how you get a baby.”

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, “Oh honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not how you get a baby. That’s how you get jewelry.”
 
Re: Adult Joke

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either someone in upper management or politics.
 
Re: Adult Joke

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight.
 
Re: Adult Joke

Haha superlike! It's a good one actually!
Not suggesting u to try though.. or be prepared for a dry spell in ze bedroom..
 
Re: Adult Joke

In bed,

Greatest insult to a man by a woman .. "Is it in yet?"

Greatest insult to a woman by a man.. "I don't know..."
 
Re: Adult Joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks.
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks.
"Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Members online

No members online now.
Total: 138 (members: 2, guests: 136)

Forum statistics

Threads
82,747
Messages
1,019,309
Members
78,039
Latest member
pg88comim

Latest posts

Back
Top